There’s a common trap in mentoring relationships that’s easy to miss. It occurs when both parties try and shape the mentee into a “carbon copy” of their mentor. This creates an “authenticity paradox” in which the very relationship meant to help a person, undermines them instead.
Some estimates suggest as many as a third to half of mentoring arrangements end before the initial time commitment. The reasons for this vary, but surely one of the most significant is that it’s difficult to shape the mentee in a specific direction. They’re too fundamentally different to their mentor, and rather than recognise that this is a potential benefit to the connection, both parties chalk it up as an incompatibility issue.
It can start something like this: A mentee looks at their accomplished mentor and thinks, “If I could just be more like them, I’d be successful too.” They observe their mentor’s leadership style, and attempt to adopt their decision-making processes. They may even try to mirror their communication patterns to try and unlock what makes the mentor so inspirational to their teams.
Admiration is healthy, but consider this: When mentees focus on replicating their mentor’s path, they often overlook their own unique strengths and potential. Each person brings their own unique combination of strengths, experiences, and perspectives to the table. To discourage a mentee from building on those strengths would be doing them a great disservice.
As a guiding rule, the most successful people are those who know who they are and intentionally use the things they have to achieve what they need to achieve. To avoid the authenticity paradox on their side, the mentor actually needs to actively discourage the mentee from trying to copy their style.
This starts by asking the right questions. Rather than asking “How did you do it?” mentors should encourage the mentee to explore the question “How can I do it in a way that works for me?” Instead of seeking to replicate success, the focus should be on understanding the principles behind that success and adapting them to one’s own context.
The mentor should encourage their mentees to find and leverage tools like psychometric assessments, regular reflection, and honest self-examination. Through these the mentee can develop a deeper understanding of their natural talents, what energises versus depletes them, and their authentic leadership style.
This process does require a re-think away from what feels natural when a mentor takes a mentee under their wing. The mentor knows what they know, and the temptation is always going to be there to share that experience as though it’s a proven pathway to leadership excellence. Avoiding the authenticity paradox therefore means that sometimes it’s important to hold back from providing direct solutions and instead ask probing questions that lead to self-discovery.
When it comes to leadership development, setting the mentee on the right path through self-discovery is all the more important. Many senior leaders haven’t taken the time to truly understand themselves. Yet authentic leadership requires precisely this self-knowledge. When leaders try to emulate others rather than develop their authentic style, they risk creating disconnected, compliance-based relationships with their teams rather than genuine engagement.
The key to resolving the authenticity paradox lies in shifting our perspective. Instead of seeing mentoring as a process of replication, we should view it as a journey of discovery. Successful mentoring helps individuals understand who they are and how to leverage their unique qualities to achieve their goals.
As organisations continue to evolve and face new challenges, this authentic approach to mentoring becomes even more crucial. We don’t need more leaders trying to be someone else – we need leaders who understand themselves and can authentically engage with their teams and challenges.
These insights into mentoring were part of a wide ranging conversation that MentorKey founder and CEO, Maud Lindley, covered in conversation with Justin Clarke, non-Executive Director, Executive Coach, Chief Information Officer and Strategy Advisor, on the Mentoring Unlocked podcast. Tune in for many more insights into how to unlock successful mentoring: https://mentorkey.com.au/podcast-mentoring-unlocked/